American Airlines is proud to announce the renewal of its most recent customer service policy.

 ”‘Making Customers Cry’ is a true innovation in our eyes. The runaway success we have experienced from all staff members has been astonishing,” says Cindy Ralf, a ticketing agent in Newark, New Jersey.

Indeed, ‘Making Customers Cry’ has been one of the most consistently applied customer service strategies American Airlines has ever adopted. From the flight attendants, to the gate representatives, to the ticketing agents, to the call centers, it seems like everyone at American is on board with this exciting new strategy, and most seem to relish putting it to use.

“It’s a simple concept really, and it takes minimal effort,” Ralf adds. ”Really, the whole concept is ‘minimal effort’. Just don’t try making people happy. I don’t understand why all the other companies in the world are so concerned with their customers satisfaction. I mean, it’s not like we’re risking bankruptcy or anything… Oh we are? Well, no matter. You already paid for the ticket so you’ll just have to deal with missing your connection. Unless you want to pay another $600 for a last minute fare on another airline… No I don’t know if there are any other flights you can take. Look, just call the help line, I don’t know how to rebook this… Yeah, I know I have been typing on this computer for the last 20 minutes, but I was just pretending to search for alternate routes, I’m really just playing Snood… No, I don’t care if the call center people put you on hold for 30 years, I can’t help you.”

Unconventional as it may be, the policy aligns perfectly with the rest of American’s standards: Mediocrity on all fronts, poor price-value ratios, and in general embodying, as an enterprise, an overly aggressive version of  Eeyore from A.A. Milne’s beloved children’s book, Winnie the Pooh.

“I never thought I would be paid for doing what comes naturally to me,” says Jorge “Sticks and Stones” Montoya, a former Lucha Libre fighter who currently is a call center agent in Dallas.”When I hurt my back in the ring, I decided to take a chance with American. Boy did it pay off! Now, even though I don’t inflict physical pain into my enemies, I feel like I’m really contributing to society by achieving American’s goal of inflicting emotional pain into each of their customers.”

So what’s next for this incredibly consistent, if not consumer friendly, policy? “Well, you know how the Geico Cavemen got their own TV show?” says Hank Antwerp, VP Public Relations. ”I don’t want to reveal too much, but I will say this: Survivor-style competition on board a plane! Real customers will compete to win amazing prizes- peanuts, ham sandwiches, pillows, blankets, earphones, reliable passage to their destination… All in the airport or on the plane! The best part? The participants don’t even know they’re being filmed!“

 American Airlines.
We know why you cry.

For more information, visit AA.com/WhyYouCry.¨